Friday, August 27, 2004

Google search: i stepped on a used condom

Thursday, August 26, 2004

You are not alone #5



The world economy is facing a quiet boom right now. This is a fact. And the euphoria rising from this new worldwide wealth will surely and promptly show its dark side effects.

The ISOnAUC Trauma will raise but also the pushed-apart Trauma generated by shopping cart accidents. What I call the PSCAT ("Post-Shopping Cart Accident Trauma"). And the following case is revealing !


Jeremy Michael Blackstockings was (over)graduated as he successfully passed a PhD in Moleculary Biology dedicated to the reproduction of the monocellular amoebas from the Amazonia.

After a little time thinking about his future carreer, Jeremy's got hired for a very encouraging and responsabilites-developping job :He was in charge of putting goods in kraft paper bags at the cashpoint of the 7/11 round the corner of Hung Salaryman Street, Downtown Flint.

On his second day, while bagging foods for Miss Eleanor Kitty Pee Wee, his 80 year old former kintergarten teacher, Jeremy faced two clients struggling for being the first one in the line at the cashpoint. As the two ladies seemed to be unable to give one another the priority, Jeremy gently tried to interfer in order to regulate the traffic. And then, the going got really tough. One of the lady, allegedly frightened by a passing by mice, prompted into Jeremy and ran over him twice (she realised she was going the wrong way on the line and turned around) And Jeremy has been trailed on several meters as his 7/11 apron got stucked under one cart's wheel.

Jeremy was brought to the Doc Yullhonlilive-Twice Hospital in a very critical state.

And as the picture shows, though his body has been properly fixed up, his mind has never recovered from this traumatic accident. Since this terrible day, Jeremy stays all day long in the wild, prostrate inside an abandoned shopping cart totally naked as wearing any kind of cloth reminds him of is job uniform.

Quite a sad story.



Tuesday, August 24, 2004

The used condom threaten comes of age !




Could the ISOnAUC Trauma be some kind of a remainder of primitive behavior ? Did our prehistoric parents face a latex-related threaten ? Will we find inside our reptilian cortex the explanation of the uncontrolled repulsion gesture we are undergoing in front of any aggressive-by-no-means tired wrapper lying pathetically on the floor ?

This the kind of existential questions we are trying to answer through our everyday devoted tasks among our society ! Do not bother to give hands ! Alltogether, shall we prevail this contemporary plague !


Saturday, August 21, 2004

Used condom mutation alert !



Well my dear friends, boronali's little joke was a good relief and a reminder of the approaching end of summertime.

Pretty soon everybody will have to be back on deck because a lot of job is awaiting !

I have just received a report from the "Save the sidewalk" Survey Group in Hoboken, NJ. They may have made an alarming discover :

After a certain time left on the streets and under the influence of increasing urban pollution, a used condom could start developping rubber excroissances that may turn it into a seemingly latex glove (as shown on the above picture)!

Our Hoboken friends have not discovered yet whether these excroissances could expand the surface of the used condom on a superproportion scale.

Keep focusing and stay aware Friends !

Friday, August 20, 2004

A light laugh for the week end !

Humor :

What is a difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms ?


Well, the tyre may be a "Goodyear", but 365 used condoms is certainly a great year ! !

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Technology News: The HazGrab Condom Remover II

The prototype is out! The Gesundheitbundesamt recently contracted the Environmental Design Team of Helmut Dietrich Sinzet (the protege and firstborn son of the famous physicist Torsten Sinzet) to develop a hygenic, rapid system to extract used condoms. Developed in accordance with United States Center of Disease Control standards, "HazGrab CRII" may prove to be the most effective and safest way of removing the offending latex from the streets.



HazGrab CRII is placed around the endangered zone and fixes itself via a multi-function suction cup, using vacuum-sealed stabilizion for extraction preparation. A line of valve tubing is then fed through the suction cup, and a retracting syringe on the opposite end of the tubing removes the ejaculated liquid from the toxic zone. Twelve sterilization ducts open from within the suction cup, and detoxify the entire sealed region.

Once completed, the suction cup raises itself 20 centimeters to allow the radioactive robotic hand (Sinzet was once considered contraversial for his fusion studies of robotics and radioactive materials in Belarus, but is clearly vindicted in his recent contributions) to breakdown the condom and any remaining residue into subatomic particles, which will then be collected by the suction cup and transported to the Turkish countryside for proper disposal.

History: Vintage Condom Disposal Tin

Jeb Spetfrit and his wife Liddy, the garage-sale gurus from Tuscaloosa, found this gem in the estate sale of the great-grandfather of John Ashcroft! Here we see how toxic condom removal was handled in the past:



This just proves that proper disposal of used condoms has been an issue for over a century now! Perhaps some of us need to take a little lesson from history and start carrying one of these decorative, pocket-sized beauties along on our "open air escapades"...

Thanks Jeb and Liddy!

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

FDA Warning



The Food and Drug Administration warns you:

"Condoms have to be considered like chewing gum, even though they may be mint-flavored, you are not allowed to pick them up once used and try to chew them anew."

Monday, August 16, 2004

Listen to the Voice of Wisdom



Our special correspondent in Louisiana interviewed Ol'Mum' Rosaline Mamaduh Victoria De ll'Indigobud-Bourbon (a worldwide known chief for cooking royal shrimp "à la Cajun"). Her words are respectful and very sensible:

" I' ain't no good thwowing Lettas evewywhe'! U know Pal do'n hewe we call the wubbew p'otection against male devilish eage'ness to possess ladies' pwivatezzz like dat because of ou' dixie way of chattin'!

Welationshipzzz bitwin men 'n wimen dat is noooooo foolish game! It izzz ann' act o' God himself!!! When I wazzz ah youn' and cha'min' gul, I was not givin' my li'le flowe' to thiii fi'st dandy a'ound! He had fi'st to wea' white gloves and bend on his knees and beg my Ol'man not to shoot him!!!

Anyway! U heawd offf ou' twadition down hewe of knitting the li'le shicky-schicky shaggy love w'appe'!!! dat izzz quite a tough wo'k!! Because we knit'it with hevea raw 'ubbew!! As you can see p'esently! And believe miii! It'z pwetty ha'd to guess the size of the futu' holdew dat if he twies to thwow it away aftew the "show"... Well ... He's bound to spa'e some time wight down in hell fow such a misbehaviowww!!!

God shall stwike me if I lie but my guls and I awe only fow real Southe'n Gentlemen! Dat izz said! Halleluiah!"



Just ask for it !



Quite an adventurous solution to people troubled by ISOnAUC Trauma :

The condom shoes !

You are scared of stepping on it ?

Well, just step INTO it ! ! ! !


" Le French Peuple is speaking to le Reste of le World"



The dear Mayor of the flowered City of Condom in the South West of France is writing us :

Dear Monsieur Poolittle,

My Secrétary have just been informed by the French Secret Services about the création of your Internet site ( I guess you know that the French Intelligence services are équipped with a strong and powerful systèm of Télécommunication Global Survey named "Le French Stool")

I firstly thought that your site was just another bad and greasy Joke about the ressemblance from our City's name and the english word for the well-known rubber stuff - well you know !

but I have to admit that your démarche is very noble and instructive ! We do not suffer much from the ISOnAUC Trauma in our beloved and flowered city but I want to let you know that you have all our Official support for your générous crusade !

Sincérely yours,

Jean-Eudes du Machicoulis de la Tourenpièrre.




Technology News: The Bio-Condom Tree

In response to Bartolomew Lebeau's concern for Yosemite and the environmental effects of used condoms in the wild, our scientists in Stockholm received funding from Save the Planet to research alternative methods of latex recycling, and have announced their progress.



Professor Magnus Veijǻnāilikainlingesvënsinfrǿn, heading up a team of 40 Swedish scientists specialized in bio-horticultural problem-solving, just released "Hevea prophylactia", a deliberate mutatation of the Brasilian rubber tree plant "Hevea brasiliensis" which provides 96% of the latex found around the world.



Veijǻnāilikainlingesvënsinfrǿn's tree sprouts non-offending latex-derivitive balloon-like sprouts that maintain the necessary elasticity for a "one-size fits all" effect while properly containing any trace of sperm within the "bio-condom". Once the bio-condom is tossed onto the ground and stepped on, it fixes itself into the soil and either breaks down in a compost-like substance or under proper conditions, reproduces itself as a new tree. An added extra: the tree sap is a deconstructed, less adhesive version of the rubber tree's natural milk and can double as a lubricant!

The Bio-Condom Tree will be introduced to the public at this year's Burning Man festival in Vancouver, Canada.

Internal communiqué



Our event in Venice Beach "Used Condom Handling for the Blind" has been a great success !

Keep it up boys !

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Being an ISOnAUC Member : a giving vocation




Let me introduce myself: I am Timothy Alexander Coldsteel III. I used to be Partner Chief Project Manager in a "Big Five" (the consulting groups, not the Mafia ! ! !). That means I had a black Amex, expensive European sport cars, a huge flat over Central Park, a little something to rest at on weekends in the Hamptons and of course plenty of gorgeous up-town "fiancées" ...

One day, I was driving back from a little "escapade" in Cape Cod along with Lilly Von Windybooth (at that time my 18 year-old sex toy) when I lost my direction on the NYC freeway... I was calmly searching my way out of Brooklyn in my convertible Mercedes, totally hypnotized by Lilly's long blond hairs blowing in the wind, when suddenly I got hit by a used condom thrown from the sidewalk by a junky. I did not succeed in avoiding the traffic light right in front of me and unfortunately Ceasar Antinoüs, the two year old Chinchilla that Lilly loved so much, violently hit the windshield and broke its’ neck...

Trials, lawyers, insurance... Lilly's father - my boss - sacking me... My falling down had been quick and highly painful... I lost everything, even my dignity...

But I found the strength of struggling back by joining the ISOnAUC Organization where I became the Safety Booklets Designer. Giving my time to the ones badly in need gave a remarkable sense to my own life. I found my way this time and I will never take the wrong lane any more! As I will never take down the windows of my second-hand Toyota station wagon!


Friday, August 13, 2004

The responsiveness of our staff is nothing to be proven !






This our dear friend Hal "9000!" Cape-Tainstubbing, manager of Detroit Rescue Line switchboard and quite an efficient manager!

The only thing is that he is also an active member of the group "Richmond, we got a problem: nobody loves us!". Therefore his political commitments prevent him from using any Microsoft products and especially Outlook tasks...

This is why he spends most of his time decorating his office with tons of Post-Its!! He also uses a very handy system of classifying documents:

"When the Post-It falls on the floor: Either the job is done, or it's too late anyway, who cares!!"



Internal communiqué (and cuddy dlessing recipe)




From : Dlycleenah Mah'Apinjam AhIllifitsgoot, Head of the ISOnAUC Research Center

To : Doc Poolittle.

Namaste Deal Fliend and ploud commande' of le biautifoul ISOnAUC Ship !

It wolks good ! finally my fliends employees hele and me we succeddid in cleating le filst automatic ISOnAUC agent plovided with a fine and complexi Altificiali Inetelligence !

As you can see on li lovely pictuli (i am on li lelite of coulse ! !)

This michanical agent is able to spot, letlieve and pick up used condoms left on li stleets and sidewalks (on-stepped ol not) but it also capable - and dat was the big issue of its conception - to ditect any pelson on li edge to thlow away a used condom in a lange of 2.5 miles ! ! !

With his powelful ladar, Tolnado 2.1 (this is how we named it !) will lun aftel the misbehaving pelson and intimate him not to dlop the condom ol, if alleady done, to be nice enough to pick it up and delivel it to the closest littel ! !

We have decided to make a big-scale "live" test in East Compton, L.A. next week end ! We will tell you all about what will be a big success !

May li Mahatmah be with us !



Internal Communiqué

This just in! Byron de Piedcollé, our New York correspondent, reviews last month's performance art piece "Used and Abused: The Plight of the Stray and Soiled Condom"



"Set in a parking lot in the meat-packing district of New York City, Desdemona Anastasia Aschkakenazy's seminal depiction of the disconcerting state of being contaminated and left for the rats is a panoply of emotional gestalts, self-effacing and yet at the same time, not. Sundaze Feathermellow, a newcomer from the suburbs of Seattle, stirs the innermost self-hatred in her movements. The dance begins, the condom nimbly stepping and pirouetting around it's target (kudos to Jean Paul Gauchier for his charitable set design contribution of a monumental vagina of pale rose velvet drapery studded in diamonds to illustrate the luminosity of moisture), showing the frailty of the sacred bond that is human intercourse. Then, with the staccato score leading the way, the mood changes to an ecstatic celebration of juissance; the changes we experience through penetration, sorrow hand-in-hand with joy. Next, the movement slows to a more languid pace representing the dénouement of a life lost. Sundaze illustrates the profound apathy found by the meaningless interpersonal relation, realising their potential for creation yet shedding the concept violently on the pavement. As she lands limp and frothing upon the pavement, the lights go out and we are brought to tears by the glow-in-the-dark effect of her costume fading into anonymity. Desdemona's Dostoevsky-esque direction of this piece adroitly renders us conscious of the hopeless inevitability of this situation: after a brief lifetime of turmoil, the fate of this rubber being is soon to be adhered to a like-minded rubber "sole"."

Many thanks to Byron, our resident Thespian!



Thursday, August 12, 2004

Because Information matters ...



I have just interviewed at her request Miss Janine "Why settle with second-raters?" Double-Loopin, "bonbon girl" in chief from the famous Virginia Grey's First Hand Hookers and Anglers Delight Store in Chappalupa-on-Darouth, Tennesse:

Miss, nice to meet you. So you have a valuable message to pass on?

For sure Gal! Well I got nothin' against you kinda crusade for clean streets 'n tryin to save da bunch o' wacko dat squizzed over a plastic banana skin! But you gotta know that my girlz 'n I don't wanna see you folks scarin' our nice customers 'n prevent them from comin' to us with lovely 'n fresh French letters in deir hands you follow me?

Well maybe not upstairs, but I do understand clearly your message and I truly thank you for reminding us of the important and life-saving use of the condom! Mental health is a matter but physical sanity is a major concern too!

Well dat'is rite Fellow! Here, ev'ryday it comes in 'n out you see, and well our customers are nice fox but not always da kinda "Gentlemen" shoe-shined and rose-smellin', think you can picture dat, no? Anyway we are not packs of meat and we ask for consideration! So these guys gotta wear condoms before "knockin' on our Heaven's door"!!!


I've got you loud and clear lady! All together we shall keep the fight against sexual diseases and especially Aids!

Who? Ed? You mean Lefthand "one leftover nut in da pant" Eddie? Wait! Is nothi' harmful dat boy!

No... No... I was talkin about someone else, a strong and dangerous one... Anyway what about a Bourbon?

Y-ahhhh! I like your lovesong baby!




Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Field Trip #1- Tube Station Toilet Trot

Just a quick notice to inform you that at our next London meeting, I will announce the location of the Tube Station Toilet Trot, a quick venture into a famous location ridden with used, stepped-on condoms yet with all the emotional support necessary to power-walk you through the prairie of pottied prophylactics. We'll finish off the trot with a real-life safety exercise in fresh liquids, so remember to pack your water pistols and some heavy cream!
c u there!
A.

The audience is writing ...



We received this message:

"Hey! You down there! My name is Bartolomew "crazy squirrel in my headlights" Lebeau but all my friends call me "poney breath"!

I'm a Forest Guard in ye Yosemite Park and I just wanna testify that we also find used condoms down in the bushes where tourists dare to do some "bang bang" - you see!

Please stop this! Preserve our Mother Nature from any spoiling and help us remain mentally sane! Thank you and have a nice trip around!"


Here is a truly devoted man! We will all follow your commands dear Bart!

<- You are not alone # 4 ->



David Yompalowitch Vincent was searching a way home that he has never found on the tragic night of the 27th of May 1995.

Coming out from the rehearsal of the musical "Darling, you parked the car on the neighbor's Terrier!" (David was well known among the musical's staff as a perfect "Starsky 'n Hutch"-style front tire squealing impersonator), he turned right in the alley separating the two blocks of the Alfred E. Neuman Condominium in the Flatulent Harrison Borough, south Missoula. Then suddenly, the soil wet after a midsummer rain, he quickly slided over a used condom which described a half circle up before falling on David's face. The disgusting sensation of this humid latex on his skin made him scream like hell and burned out his vocal cords so badly he lost his ability in imitating his famous "slick wheels rapidly turning on dusty gravels" (who does not remember his vocal performance in "The Dukes of Hazzard"?).

David, in great despair, finally joined our Therapy Group in Des Moines and after 2 years of intense practice finally succeeded in becoming a full member of our team (he is now the proud manager of our 7/7 Rescue telephone line switchboard located in Knoxville).

Do not hesitate to call him anytime and he may cheer you up with is astonishing "Rookie's hot Dunlopillos losing the grip and smashing Indianapolis wall"!!!


This is not test!



We do assume that this image shall scare a lot of patients under ongoing treatment. But this online visual support can be highly useful for some of you who undergo an "outdoor" treatment. Remember! Whenever you feel the stress coming back and overwhelming you: come to this site, face the screen and look deeply into this image before firmly shouting:

No I am no longer afraid

of stepping on a used

condom!



(do it several times if needed)

<- You are not alone # 3 ->



I am proud to introduce a brave new member, Graham Crocker of the New York Police Department, whose bold and daring off-duty action cost him permanent sinus damage.

Office Crocker was enjoying spareribs and Lay's Potato Chips at the G Street Block Party in Alphabet City when he suddenly spotted Testy Ambrosia Lickles, a local prostitute, engaged in public sexual activity with a client who shall remain nameless due to his roaring success in the Broadway hit "Monologue! The Musical". Officer Crocker sprinted towards the couple in an effort to conceal them from view of the many surrounding children. In desperate fear of questionable publicity, Testy's client pulled up his pants and ran off, flinging the used condom in the path of Office Crocker. At that very moment, Office Crocker slipped on a heroin needle and skidded face first into the condom. Upon inhaling profoundly to gather his strength and pick himself up from the fall, he accidentally sucked the condom into his nostril while Testy stood aside, malevolently laughing at his misfortune. Graham had to be rushed to the hospital to have it surgically removed, but the damage was already done.

"I'b recuberred ok, bud dow i hab dis fuddy soudbing voice like I'b sick. Dow I'b shy en I bay neber talk agin. I cab't eben yell 'STOB, Bolice!' cause the berbatrador laughs en tell be to go homb to beb..." proclaimed poor Graham to ISOnAUC counselors.

Well, Graham, you are much applauded here for standing up and speaking out and we hope you'll continue to feel welcome to talk with us!

<- You are not alone # 2->



I am very proud to announce that Amilalia Wohlof Gwafiti (see picture) has been granted our special correspondant in South Africa. I remind you that Amilalia, after her brother touched by the "ISOnAUC Trauma" started walking on his hands and shouting unhuman sounds, decided to walk across South Africa and stop in every city to alert people of this appalling disease !

May God bless you Amilalia !

Mechanical stepping management

Stepping on a used condom while walking quietly on any sidewalk around the world is a real matter of durable stress.

But stepping on a used condom while driving one's car is as dreadful as putting a foot on it !

Gerhardt Hausgemartbradwurss, a little taxi driver from Hamburg did face this motorised situation in his everyday trip around the "hot spots" from Hamburg Port. After years, Gerhardt ended up trembling dangerously, while behind the weel, scared night after night to be taken into running over tons of used condoms left behind by busied mariners or transexual queens of the Night ...

But our friend made the grade succesfully and finally find the strengh upon his own ressources to overcome his trauma ! As he told us :

"Befor, Ze Fision of Uzed conToms on Ze rod was zcaring me to Death klose to Ze point where I was no lonker villing to drive meines Taxi ! Aber now ! I don't give a Shit anymore bekose i no lonker look at Ze rod vhen i drive and hell to Ze pedestrianz ! !"



Well we guess that the Hamburg pedestrians are aware that this funny taxi wrapped into a giant latex blanket with a woman (Gerhardt's wife) sitting on the roof waving a condom in her hand is to be avoided by any cost ! ! !

Educational Event #2- The Latex Recycling Process

Thank you Boronali, for reporting on the event in Mexico City.
This is a great opportunity for me to promote our 2nd Educational Event this year: a field trip to Calverson Industries! We will visit this Latex Recycling Plant for helpful tips on how employees manage their reactions to handling biohazardous rubber products and to learn how soiled latex-based materials can be converted into sterilized and useful household products. Feel free to invite your friends and family, and be sure to bring a sack lunch and your frisbee or favorite field game for the picnic afterwards!

Step on a crack, break your mother's back...

Step on a used condom, and...?
The repercussions are clearly unexplored and limitless!
Let me take a moment to introduce myself. I'm Anya Strid, Doc's research assistant. I was recently published in a Swedish medical journal for my success in identifying and treating Strid's Syndrome, the compulsion to use public toilet paper even if it's mysteriously been dampened by an unidentified liquid.
Although I have not stepped on a used condom myself, I have a family member (who will remain anonymous) who has, and suffered dearly from it. I am here to offer my insight, a shoulder to cry on, and hopefully constructive solutions for managing the everyday consequences of such a traumatic event.
March on!
Anya

Internal Communiqué



Hey, Doc !

Look out ! We have finally lauched our first Educational Happening (as decided on the Annual Congress November 2003)

As you can see on this picture, Leonard Neemoyloockalyk (benevolent stage 4.5) took place on San Juan Del Volantes Dragones in Mexico City and shows people how to prevent from "ISOnAUC Trauma" by picking up blisters and used condoms and carry them to the closest litter.

Unfortunately, Leonard does not speak any Spanish words and painfully succeeded in making himself understood.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

"This is not a job, it is endeavour !"



Hi !

My name is Thelomious Hermann Poolittle, PhD in "Is it a bird in my head ?" sciences.

After a profitable participation to Spring Break 1987 in Fort "Louder Dave !", I decided to devote myself to mental diseases related to consumerist misbehaviors. I did identify the PSCA Trauma "Post-Shopping Cart Accident Trauma" and became a worldwide specialist. My well-known book "Emprisonned into a Wallmart Cart" (Woolworth Press) is still on the Top 10 book selling list.

But my life and certitudes got dramatically unbalanced this day of April 2001 when I received in my office Priscilla Oilovermy-Peabody. This nice housewife was suffering from - what I will later call the ISOnAUC Trauma ("I STEPPED On A USED CONDOM" Trauma). Because, two days after our meeting I had to undergo the same traumatic situation, i decided to organise rounds of Group therapy on this increasing daily trouble !

And this site is meant to be an extension of our work during the last 3 years ! So please, if you too one day have stepped on a used condom, do not keep it for yourself ! Do not dig it deeper and deeper into your unconsciousness or you may turn into a lethal sociopath starting chopping apart your neighbors !

Come and join us ! And all together we will bravely overcome this personal trauma !


Helpfully yours,


Doc Poolittle



... and I am proud of it !

This will be - of course - the first step into the creation of a real community where people will share the same past experiences and the same values !

Because there is no way you can avoid such an embarassing situation unless you keep on walking through the world by looking constantly at your shoes, which means that you do adopt a looser attitude. Aware of that, your only choice is to take pride of such an shameful incident !

" Yes ! I stepped on a used condom AND I am proud of it !"

Repeating these words is making the choice of a well reconstructed self-esteem of course !

Monday, August 09, 2004

<- You are not alone ->




Melinda Estebez from Milwaukee found an amusing way of struggling against her fear of "Stepping once again on an used condom" (Cf. Group Therapy n° 6 "Uncontrolled habituation management")by trying to - technically speaking - putting herself into an overall situation.

We have to aknowledge that her genuine way of act can also be seen as a dramatic and ludic way to alert people on this particular but emotionally "impacting" issue.

Thanks to you, Melinda !

Sunday, August 08, 2004

"It is by taking each other's hand that we shall prevail !"



We have just receive pictures from a French "amateur" Therapy Group that shows us a brand new way of cure searching : La Pataphysique (as they call it in their colourful language !)

This method requires to heal the disease by applying the same suffering but at the perfect opposite part of the body from the injured one (as shown on the picture).

As this experimenting people did not tell us whether they were using as well used condoms, we decided to send them a translated brochure of "Health and used condom handling" !